


Basement Eyes

by KoYue



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Dreams and Nightmares, Mild Spoilers, One Shot, Spoilers for Episode: s12e01 Spyfall Part 1, Spoilers for Episode: s12e02 Spyfall Part 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:27:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22976920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KoYue/pseuds/KoYue
Summary: Yaz hasn't been sleeping well, so she decides to explore the TARDIS and ends up having an unexpected chat with the Doctor.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 46





	Basement Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~! I haven't written fic in a very long time, but one of my friends encouraged me to write something out based on some ideas I've been having, so this is the end result. I hope you enjoy it. ^_^

The nightmares wouldn’t let her sleep. She’d awake with a jolt, trembling hands clutching the lacy white covers of the borrowed bed she slept in while traveling aboard the TARDIS. Her eyes would roam across the room, taking in all the fixtures that had now become familiar: the brass plating of the bed, the wicker chair in the corner, and the glass nightstand beside her. Then she would close her eyes and try to ignore the thrumming of her heartbeat in her ears. She’d take deep breaths, carefully counting them out, but her mind refused to rest and instead chose to pepper her with incessant what-ifs.

Yaz hadn’t told anybody about the nightmares. Oh, she was sure Graham and Ryan suspected something. Ryan especially, since he had been the one to ask her if she was all right after getting sent back from the Kasaavin’s world. She’d been honest, but had later wish she hadn’t because the honesty had made her cry and she hadn’t wanted Ryan to see that. Fortunately, he had been kind enough to pretend not to notice.  
Nobody could know just how deeply that drop into the Kasaavin’s world had rattled her. It was too weak, too human, to admit that she still dreamt about being trapped there in that cold, empty space, surrounded by strange, hanging pillars with only her voice and heartbeat for company. The dreams never varied in their location, but sometimes the content did. Sometimes the Kasaavin killed her quickly. Other times, they surrounded her, silent but menacing. The worst were the ones where her friends showed up and she had to watch them die one by one, knowing there was nothing she could do. 

So Yaz kept the dreams close and pushed them down as best she could. Sometimes she could get right back to sleep if she just took enough deep breaths, but recently, that tactic had stopped working.  
So when the nightmare shook her awake this time, she decided not to lay in bed anymore and hope for sleep to return. Instead, she stood up, dressed, and stepped out of the room.

The Doctor had told them they were free to explore the rooms in the TARDIS. Some light exploration probably wouldn’t help her fall back asleep, but it would be enough to help her calm down.  
She walked as quietly as she could, hoping she wouldn’t disturb anyone, and ascended a long, spiraling flight of stairs. This room was a familiar one, the one the Doctor had called the wardrobe. Rows upon rows of all manner of clothing arranged in a sort of anachronistic chaos. One might find a crinoline next to a velour purple jacket or a mod dress next to an exquisitely beaded shawl. There was a wooden door in the wardrobe and she opened it, expecting to find a shoe cupboard, but instead Yaz found herself in a staggeringly huge library decorated with intricate metal scrollwork. It smelled comfortable, of old books and worn leather and bottled ink. Candles in glass sconces sent warm, flickering light across the space.

“Wow,” she whispered to herself, her footsteps hushed on the soft carpeting. 

She picked a shelf at random and plucked out a book, a worn Agatha Christie mystery titled Death in the Clouds. Deciding she could read the book until everyone else woke up, Yaz turned to look for the door that had led her into the hallway, but instead found five identical doors. 

_Is it possible to get lost in here?_

Yaz felt a quick stab of fear. Images of the Kasaavin world flickered in her mind. The candles seemed to flicker out and the library grew dark and cold. The book fell from her trembling hands. Her breath came out in ragged gasps and tears pricked her eyes.

_Stop it, stop it, stop it . . ._

Yaz heard a creak and looked up. One of the doors had opened. Looking around, she saw that the candles were still lit and the library was still comfortably warm. Feeling foolish, she picked up the book and a thought occurred to her.

“Is it you?” she asked tentatively. “Are you showing me the way back?”

The Doctor had told them before that the TARDIS was more than a ship and Yaz had seen her speak to it as one would speak to a person. According to the Doctor, the TARDIS was alive and had thoughts, memories, and whims like anyone else. Yaz hadn’t had reason to doubt her, especially after all the extraordinary things she’d seen, but she’d never spoken to the TARDIS before and felt a little strange doing so.  
The door opened wider, revealing a shaft of amber light. Yaz took a deep breath and walked out of the library. She expected to see the wardrobe room again, but instead, Yaz found herself in a hallway studded with crystals. Enormous crystals jutted up from the floor and went through the ceiling. Smaller yellow ones grew in clusters along the path. Geodes winked with a golden light. The hallway appeared to hum and sing with each step she took and her fears and worries eased. 

“Are you doing this for me?”

Light briefly streamed through the clear crystals and cast rainbows on the walls. Yaz grinned and laughed softly.

“Thank you. I guess . . . You would know, right? You know about the bad dreams and how I can’t sleep. I try to be fine and most of the time I am. I don’t want them to worry. And, I suppose, most of all, I don’t want the Doctor to know.” Yaz paused for a moment and ran her fingers over a smooth crystal formation. “She’s so extraordinary. I don’t ever want to stop traveling with her, but if she knew . . . Wouldn’t she stop bringing me along? Who wants a scared little human on their adventure?” Frowning thoughtfully, she tapped the crystal with her fingertips. “I wish I could speak to her honestly. Her friend, or the person she thought was her friend, betrayed her. And there’s more, I know there’s more, but she’s hurting so much now, isn’t she?”

The light within the crystal briefly dimmed. 

“I wish I could help her.”

Yaz waited a moment to see if there was another flicker of light or some other response. Seeing none, she walked along the hallway until she reached a wooden door with a crystal knob. She smiled up at the enormous crystals and said, “Thank you for listening to me.”

The door closed behind her with a soft click and Yaz sighed when she saw the familiar metal hexagons and infinity mirrors lining the walls. The TARDIS had brought her back to the hidden walkway behind the console room. From here, she would be able to find her way back to her room.

Sad blue lighting filled the walkway and Yaz peered through a gap in the wall to find the console room awash in blue light. She spotted the Doctor sitting on one of the elevated hexagonal steps and her breath caught in her throat. They all knew the Doctor hadn’t been herself since that encounter with the Master. There was still that spark of joy and zest for adventure that had drawn Yaz towards her, but like the console room, it was dimmed. And Yaz had never seen such a stark look of grief on the Doctor’s face before. 

What should she do? She felt like an intruder witnessing a private moment of sorrow because the Doctor would have never made such a face with any of them around. There was something humiliating about giving into sadness when others were around and she didn’t want to cause the Doctor any more grief.

Still, hadn’t she felt better when Ryan had checked up on her after returning from the Kasaavin realm? Underneath the misery and humiliation, it had been nice to know that someone else had cared and had even gone to reassure her that he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to her. Didn’t the Doctor deserve that too? Perhaps it was time to stop pretending to be okay. Perhaps it was time for honesty. 

Yaz coughed as a way to announced herself and gave the Doctor a few moments to compose herself before walking towards the console. The Doctor sprung to her feet, looking startled but pleased.

“Yaz, hi! Up so soon? Or is it late? Are we late? I promised to let you off at a certain time, didn’t I? Did I make you late again?”

Yaz smiled, shook her head, and held up the book. “No, I don’t think we’re late. I just couldn’t sleep and decided to find something to read.”

The Doctor took the book and smiled. “This one’s a favorite of mine. I met Agatha Christie once at a lovely dinner party. The murders spoiled it a bit and I was poisoned and a giant wasp tried to kill us, but it was still a fantastic time.”

“You were poisoned?”

“Oh yes. Arsenic. My mate saved my life with a snog.” The Doctor’s smile faltered and she handed Yaz the book back, then went to the console and started twisting different dials. “What time was I supposed to drop you lot off again?”

“Could you tell me about your friend? The one who saved you?”

The Doctor’s hands stilled and she fell silent for what seemed like an eternity to Yaz.

“Her name was Donna. She kept me in check. She made me laugh.” The Doctor smiled briefly. 

“Where is she?”

“Married. Living comfortably.”

“She gave up traveling with you to get married?”

The Doctor didn’t reply and instead flipped a switch, which caused the console to emit a sharp warbling sound. Frowning, she hurried over to the other side of the console and checked some readings on a screen.  
“Having trouble landing, are you?” she muttered. “Why is that?”

The Doctor had a sneaking suspicion that the TARDIS wanted her to talk to someone other than herself about all the things she was refusing to process in a healthy manner. Yes, she knew she was repressing things and yes, she knew her fam was aware, but she wasn’t ready to let them know what had happened yet. Failure followed her like a trail of broken glass. She’d failed to keep Gallifrey safe and she’d failed to help the Master change. The Doctor didn’t know which one hurt the most.

“Doctor?”

Yaz was still there and the Doctor could feel that worried gaze boring into her back. She didn’t know why Yaz had awoken curious and didn’t want to be to abrupt with her, but she really didn’t want to deal with her questions right now.

“You said you couldn’t sleep?”

“Uh, yeah.”

The Doctor pressed a pedal on the floorboard and tapped a button on the console. A cup of tea popped through a slot. She took it and handed it to Yaz with what she hoped was a bright smile. “Here, a nice cuppa will send you off.”

A bemused Yaz took the cup and stared down at the warm tea. “You’re trying to get rid of me.”

“What? No, of course not.”

Yaz had seen the Doctor pull off some amazingly convincing lies on past adventures, but this wasn’t one of those times.

“Do you know why I couldn’t sleep?” 

“Well, traveling through time---”

“No, it’s not that.” Yaz stared at one of the crystal pillars, still bathed in blue. She still had a chance to take it back, to pretend nothing was wrong. The Doctor would forget it and she could too, in time. They could go back to the way things were, just two time traveling companions. 

But she was tired of lying and pretending to be okay. And the Doctor had to be too. Nobody could go on pretending to be okay forever.

“I dream about them every night. The Kasaavin. I dream I’m trapped there again with no way back. Sometimes Ryan and Graham are there. Sometimes you are. And I can never save you. I’m there, watching you die every night, and I can never stop it. I can never make them go away.”

Stunned, the Doctor watched a silent tear track its way down Yaz’s face and land in the tea cup. For the first time, she noticed just how tired Yaz looked and how her hands shook. Her friend was upset and she needed to say something. There had to be something she could say. Some platitude of comfort. Maybe a sympathetic pat on the arm. Distracted, she searched through her pockets, remembering there was a time when she used to have empathy cards just for these types of situations. Who had made them? Oh yes, Clara. Clara had made sure . . .

Her Clara. She didn’t have her anymore. She didn’t have Donna or Amy or Rory. She didn’t have Rose or Martha. She didn’t have Bill. She didn’t have anyone.

No, no, what was she thinking? She had her fam! But for how long? She had to keep them safe. No, she needed them to be safe. 

“Doctor?”

Yaz. Yaz was still here. Yaz needed a response. Oh, why couldn’t she think of anything to say?!

The tea grew cold in Yaz’s hands. She felt like a fool. What had she expected the Doctor to do? Let down her guard and talk to her honestly? Figure out some way to zap those memories out of her head? Instead, she had just given her more to worry about.

“Forget I said anything. Maybe you don’t even dream, I dunno. I shouldn’t have bothered you. Thanks for the tea.”

She turned to leave, but the Doctor’s soft voice stopped her.

“I do dream.” 

Yaz paused, unsure if the Doctor had addressed her. She turned and saw the Doctor staring off in the distance. Her face was impassive, but the light had faded from her eyes. 

“Everyone dreams. And I dream about the ones I lost.”

One by one, the Doctor saw their faces in her mind’s eye. The memories of their joyous encounters eclipsed by the shadows of loss. Unwittingly, the truth tumbled out. 

“Clara died. I tried to stop it, but I couldn’t. If I hadn’t failed, she could have told me what to say to you. I ruined Martha’s life. I had to let Rose go and have a happier life, but selfishly, I wanted her to stay with me. I destroyed who Donna became. I couldn’t save Amy and Rory. I told Bill she would be safe. I promised her . . . and I couldn’t keep my promise.” The Doctor shook her head. She hadn’t meant to omit things from her fam. It was just easier to do so because wouldn’t they leave if they knew how many others had gone? Surely they wouldn’t want to travel with her if they knew the truth. “I’m Midas, in a way. Everything I touch ends up irreparably damaged. Even when I’m doing my best, even when I want nothing more than to be good, to be kind, nothing ever changes.”

Stunned into silence, Yaz stared at the Doctor. Slowly, she crouched down and set the teacup and book on the console floor. Tentatively, she reached out and took one of the Doctor’s hands.

“Doctor, look at me.”

When she didn’t, Yaz gently placed a hand on her face and coaxed her to meet her eyes.

“Listen to me. Please. Traveling with you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. You haven’t damaged me. If I had to choose between never meeting you and sleeping well for the rest of my life, I’d give up sleep in a heartbeat.”

“But Yaz, you shouldn’t have to do that!” the Doctor cried. “Those nightmares are the result of my inability to keep you safe. I should never have sent you and Ryan off on your own. I keep repeating the same mistakes. I need to keep you safe!”

“I know you do.” Yaz squeezed her hand. “I know, but there’s an inherent risk to everything we do. I know you’ll try to keep me safe, but I also know that you can’t protect me from every danger. I knew that when I decided to come with you.”

“Yaz . . .”

The Doctor hated hearing the quivering sound in her own voice. She looked away, afraid of what Yaz would see the longer she looked at her. Yaz’s warm hand was still on her cheek. She placed her own hand over it and slowly pulled it away, but she didn’t want to let go of her just yet, so she threaded her fingers through hers. 

“I’m sorry,” murmured Yaz. “I didn’t mean to tell you about the nightmares. I didn’t want to worry you, but here I am, making you worry.”

“You could have told me sooner.”

“Sometimes it’s easier to pretend you’re okay, isn’t it?”

In response, the Doctor squeezed her hands. 

“It’s better to talk, though.”

“I can’t,” the Doctor whispered. “Not yet.”

“Not yet then.”

Suddenly, the Doctor felt tired. Some other time she would worry she had said too much and had caused Yaz to worry, but now she was tired and in desperate need of sleep. She leaned forward a bit and her forehead gently rested against Yaz’s. It should have been strange and uncomfortable, an intrusion of personal space, but she didn’t mind it and it seemed that Yaz didn’t either judging by the smile in her eyes. Human contact was so warm.

“Tired?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll walk you to your room.”

“Don’t have one.”

“What? How can you not have a room in your own ship? What, do you sleep on the floor?”

The Doctor pulled away a bit and shrugged. Catching sight of Yaz’a bewildered expression, she gave a snort of laughter and nodded. “Sometimes, yeah.” 

Yaz shook her head and pulled her along. “Come on, just sleep in my room. It’ll be like a pajama party. Just don’t hog all the blankets.”

“Yaz, wait.”

The Doctor stared at her with a strange, indecisive expression. Yaz realized she was still holding her hands and, thinking she had overstepped the boundaries of personal space, immediately let her go.

“What is it?”

There was something people did in situations such as these. A form of endearment. A common expression that transcended the boundaries of language. It was a good way to hide’s one’s face and she still needed to hide hers, but not at this time. Not yet.

The Doctor closed the space between herself and Yaz, then carefully opened her arms, leaned forward, and enveloped her in a careful hug. Yaz immediately hugged her back. Wordlessly, they released each other and went up the walkway. As they left, the color in the crystal pillars faded from blue to yellow. The TARDIS whirled softly, relieved at the turn of events, and instead of landing where it needed to, ambled on in space for a bit. Her companions needed rest.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! <3


End file.
